if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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