I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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