I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just invented taco cereal.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
