Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
