He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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