she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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