Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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