Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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