Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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