maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
