Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
