just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
