i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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