i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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