dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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