i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
pop tarts are not kleenex
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
