I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
