he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
