if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
