Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
