maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
