if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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