woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm too high and old for this...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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