Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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