so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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