good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
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You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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