Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
