sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
