I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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