I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
