my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
