the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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