I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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