I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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