Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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