I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
