just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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