You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
