Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
