I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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