Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
