I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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