my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
