dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Why are your pants in the freezer?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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