he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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