They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
