what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
