im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
