onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
