Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
