Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize