you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
