he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
