I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
