i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
