I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
