She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
