You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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