You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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