the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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