I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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